Photo by Alef Morais on Unsplash

 

One of the many good things about being a parent is it’s harder to fall apart. You have a living breathing gorgeous incentive — an incentive which depends on you to be emotionally regulated and provide three meals a day and clean laundry and drive her to gymnastics and tuck her in with a tickle — to keep life in motion.

 

 

 

 

 

One of the many hard things about being a parent is it’s harder to fall apart. When you need to process something or to release an emotion, it’s harder to carve the time and space.

Over the last few years, I’ve stayed home during a handful of school holidays while my hubby and daughter visit family in the South Island. I stay home for practical reasons — two cats to feed, uninterrupted time to work, technically more time to write, and we save on the extra airfare.

But I’ve realised there’s an emotional element too. Over the last few staycations, I’ve spent at least one day on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs, crying, staying in my pyjamas and ordering a curry deal — Lamb Rogan Josh medium, plain Naan hot and wrapped in tin foil, Jasmine rice, a can of something sugary, and, if I’m really pushing the boat out, a chocolate mousse in a plastic pottle — to be delivered to my door from the local Indian takeaway. Sometimes I push the two couches together to create my day-bed and blanket myself from the world.

Potato days. That’s the name me and my daughter give days spent on the couch watching a screen….

It doesn’t matter if it’s not stressful for someone else. If it’s stressful for you, then it’s real.

It doesn’t matter if others can sleep easy at night. If an issue keeps you awake, then it’s valid.

It doesn’t matter if others can tolerate the heat in the kitchen. If it burns your heart, take notice.

It doesn’t matter if it’s common sense to others. If you need to ask for more concrete information, then ask.

 

Bipolar is a lifelong commitment. It doesn’t have a cure. You learn to live with it and manage it. Sometimes you rail against it – screaming and crying and throwing all your hurt towards the condition that causes you to behave in ways you deeply regret, hurt people you love, spend all your money and take ages to pay back your debt, drive at 140km an hour down the middle of the road at 2am in the morning – and other inventive ways to put your life, health and reputation on the line.

 

It takes time and courage to come back from a bipolar episode. You almost have to rebuild yourself from the ground up. After a high, there almost always comes a chasm of a low.